I’m not making some bold, feminist stance or anything.

It’s because of my broken uterus. Or fallopian tubes. Or ovaries. Or something. We don’t actually know, but something is misfiring and it’s not Jeremy.  How boring. We’re never having kids, not as an active choice but just because kids won’t come. Maybe they’re afraid of what kind of mother I’ll be. I worry about that sometimes too. I take things real personal sometimes. 

Today, I came down to lunch duty which I share with our security guard, Lisa. I was clearly distraught from another successive bad day of teaching students that don’t really like me all that well. I carried in my shoulders, my eyebrows, my heart the childlessness that keeps me coming back as a teacher day after day, and keeps me from being what I desperately want to be right now–which is mom.

Lisa The Security Guard is from Trinidad, and she’s a sharer.  By about day three of our lunch duty tenure, she was already talking about her own time spent at the fertility clinics way back when, before her little baby was finally born 8 years ago. It took me about a month to tell her that we, too, were having some sort of struggle. I look young; I get judged, I get diminished.

“You’re young, what, 23, 24? What’s the rush?”

“You’re a career woman! What do you want babies for?”

Or, my recent favorite: “What do you need babies for, your students are your babies!”

Lisa has never diminished. Lisa understands.

Today she saw it–my childlessness–which I hide like a scar, which I’ve held close to my chest, which I’ve deliberately abstained from mentioning on my blog mostly because my students tend to invade this space and there’s somethings you want to keep just for you (be classy, students, don’t tell your friends.). But it’s heavy to carry, not heavy like a baby in your tummy, but heavy like a backpack filled with rocks that just get heavier every new month your expensive, time-consuming, thoroughly unromantic medical procedures didn’t work out.

Lisa saw it today, and before I knew it and without asking, she had her head bowed and her eyes closed and her hand on mine. Lisa prayed to Lord Jesus that he would “open my womb” for the baby that I’ve been waiting for all this time. Her prayers sounded different than mine–thick with an accent from Trinidad, a little bolder, with a little more conviction and a little less timidity. She’s articulating like it’s a foregone conclusion that I’m having kids. All the while, Lisa’s praying for me while the freshmen swipe in and out, leaving and coming back for lunch.

Damnit, if it wasn’t the nicest thing.

I’ve made a pact with myself that I wouldn’t force myself into a happy ending, I wouldn’t demand a silver lining. Sometimes, things are just sad, and more recently I’ve discovered that that’s ok. But Lisa made me feel today, maybe just for one fleeting day, like “Never” is maybe more like “some day,” and someday, baby will come.


  1. Feb 02, 2017

    I’m so sorry you have to deal with infertility. It is seriously just heartbreaking and one of the weirdest, never know when something will workout trials. We went through lots of treatments and finally did IVF to get to the point we are now. I’m like you–we have no idea why I couldn’t get pregnant, but it definitely wasn’t andrew. Anyway. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this right now. Sending love your way!

  2. Feb 02, 2017
    Andrea Barnes

    Bless Lisa and bless your fallopian tubes, uterus, ovaries and all things baby my dear niece!

  3. Feb 02, 2017

    I’m with Lisa!!!

  4. Feb 02, 2017

    Thank you SO much for sharing, you amazing lady! And are you KIDDING me?! You would be the BEST mom ever!!! I certainly don’t have answers for you, but I totally adore, admire and love you and ache for your pain. You’re amazing!!

  5. Feb 02, 2017
    Holly M. Anderson

    I just love you so much. Love, your old visiting teacher.

  6. Feb 02, 2017
    Brian Ciccotelli

    Oh my heart. 😔 Once again your writing has a way of connecting with my soul. I feel your pain. But I’m in the eternal optimist group of “some day” and never “never.” And judging on how you are with Maeby, you’ll be the best mom ever.

  7. Feb 02, 2017
    Emily Hickok

    You are amazing!!! I’m so so so sorry you have to go through this trial.. Definitely prayers your way!! Love you!!!

  8. Feb 02, 2017
    Kels M

    Oh, Sin… My heart just aches. I’m so sorry for the struggle, for the sadness, for the anger, for the doubt, for the aching, for the tension each month, for the mourning. Bless Lisa and her loving, perceptive soul. I add my prayers to hers

  9. Feb 02, 2017

    Love love love love. That’s a very heavy backpack full of very heavy rocks. And those kinds of comments made me want to slap people something fierce. Bless people like Lisa.

  10. Feb 02, 2017

    This post really touched me as I’ve had similar struggles. I love your writing. Thank you for sharing!

  11. Feb 02, 2017
    Bethany Jackman

    Oh goodness you’ve got me in tears. Love your words, love your heart. You will make an amazing mom one day.

  12. Feb 02, 2017
    Lucille Zimmerman

    My daughter share your post with me. You have an amazing “voice.” I hope you continue to write and bless people with your words.

  13. Feb 02, 2017

    I love you and I’m so sorry. Sending love and light and all the positive vibes I can muster.

  14. Feb 03, 2017
    Mandi O

    Oh, Sierra – I’ve been exactly where you are. It sucks. I’m so sorry. As a teacher, I always felt like a ‘childless mother’ – the opposite of that traditional spiritual… Lisa may be right – it may be a certainty and you’re a mother in waiting. I know many women, myself included (6 of my FB friends at least,) that were in your place, and babies found them in a myriad of amazing ways. However, when I was in your position I HATED those stories of people who couldn’t have a kid and then one day…magic. I’d think, “great – WTH am I supposed to do with that precious anecdote?” First – it’s ok to be a child free, totally in love married couple! Also, your work with kids should never be minimized – thank you for your passion and dedication! Third is from Calvin, and I should preface this story by saying that Scott and I are not at all religious and I can’t figure out where he could have been exposed to the mythology of creation. When he was about 2, Calvin told me a story about how before he was born, he was waiting a long time to get parents. All the other babies got parents and he was left waiting. Then the “maker” sent him out to us and trumpets played and he was so happy! For me, as an agnostic, it was an astonishing story and a little creepy if I’m totally honest. But maybe…you’re not the only one who’s waiting…you truly never know. Love and light to you – you’re not alone and you’re incredibly brave for sharing this.