Hudson woke up with a 104 degree fever this morning. It doesn’t need a metaphor, it is what it is. Hot, unblemished baby skin.
But for me, every degree above 98 felt like a degree above boiling point. I was boiling water, splashing through the lid of a pot and landing with a sizzle-crash onto the stove.

99 degrees-Anguish that we went hiking over the (farce of a holiday) Fourth of July.
100 degrees-Anger at every single person that chose not to wear a mask on the trails.
101 degrees-Rage that America is thrusting teachers and students back into schools.
102 degrees-Irate that human life has less value than a maskless trip to Costco.
103 degrees-Disconsolate about an America that never was and never will be.
104 degrees-Beyond. Beyond words. Just tangled, muddy, messy emotions

Somewhere in my boiling, emotional soup was the absolute despair over America’s racism and my complicity in a system.  Guilt that I put on an expensive shirt, and did my hair nice so that I could leverage my privilege at the doctors’ office and make sure Hudson got the best care possible. Anger at myself for not writing enough letters. For feeling fried. For taking a social media break. For not finishing blog posts. For not being able to turn down the heat or do anything but spiral over the edge of the pot and sizzle on the stove. I’m evaporating. And mostly I’m mad that I feel so damn sad, and that sadness is important, but also, unproductive. 

We won’t know for a few days if Hudson has COVID, but that’s not really the point.

It’s just that in a year where we should all stirring— simmering—blending— we refuse. We’re stuck in our separate pots, and I could be wrong, but it seems like you’re all boiling too.

I don’t want to boil over alone.

  1. Jul 14, 2020
    Emily Hickok

    You’re never alone! This has been a hard time for all of us. I’ve been finding myself pouring over my scriptures and prayer more than usual to find peace. It’s a difficult time she we can all relate! We all feel like we’re not doing enough! But here’s the secret- you’re doing more than you know. We women always put more pressure on ourselves! It’s because we love and feel things so deeply. But know that you’re doing SO much more than you know! You’re example, your love, all that you have done has already made a HUGE difference- more than you know. Love you lots!!! Hang in there!

    • Jul 14, 2020
      Emily Hickok

      Oh and we’ll pray for that that sweet boy of yours!!! So hard!!!