“Like, 10 Chickens had to die just so she could look that bad.”

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It’s turquoise, and you know what? Off the rack it’s actually cute. Not flashy cute, definitely not compliment worthy but it’s a passably cute t-shirt that I bought for three dollars from Forever 21.
But when I put the shirt on, the shirt’s secret powers of ugliness release. I’m not sure why the shirt is so ugly, but I am certain that it is. Still, I wear it, maybe because I only have few t-shirts for hot days, or maybe because turquoise is so “in” right now, maybe because I deep down believe that it will look better today than it has the past fifteen times I’ve worn it. In theory the shirt should work. It doesn’t hug the curves I try to hide, it doesn’t come up too short or plunge too low. In all fashion theory, the shirt should work.
Since it doesn’t, I am led to conclude: the shirt is cursed. The shirt is not one that I would wear to an occasion that would require me to do my hair, so you can bet that I will leave my hair wavy on days like this. I call wavy hair my “50-50 Hair” because you have a 50% chance that it looks good (even with the exact same amount of mousse and the exact same towel drying), and there’s nothing you can do to control the outcome. It’s chancy, but on occasionless days, turquoise shirt days, I wear it wavy, and 99% of the time with the turquoise shirt, my wavy hair looks terrible.
And because I promised myself that I would never go out in public with wavy hair AND no makeup at the same time because the world can’t handle the ugly, I do my make-up on days like today. And when I wear the turquoise shirt, my eyeliner inevitably goes on too thick and one eye looks bigger than the other. At the end of it all, I look worse than when I started.
I’m sad that I tried marginally hard just to look this ugly. 
Do ugly days also happen to you?
Ten bonus points if you can guess which movie my title came from. 
Keeping this image small on purpose….But I thought you all needed proof. 

All the Skinny Men—Put Your Hands Up!

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Dear Skinny Man,
There is, I think for the first time ever, a Hipster on the Bachelorette. He wears weird shoes, and his hair takes some getting used to (yes, I made Jeremy try “The Jef Coif”), I believe he wears Ray-Bans, and he made his entrance on the show via skateboard. So far, Hipster Jef seems to be a crowd favorite—America likes him, Emily likes him, and you know what? I like him too.

Jef Holm, everybody. 
…Jeremy thinks he’s a tool. A skinny jeans wearing, overly moussed tool. I am convinced that this is because I happen to find the style, to be blunt, rather attractive. When Jeremy and I were dating and he was fashionably malleable, I took him to Urban Outfitters and made him buy a cardigan. He wore it the night we got engaged and has since avoided it like the plague.
But here’s the thing about Hipsters: Before there was “Hipster,” there was only “Skinny White Kid.” It is my firm belief that the Hipster fashion arose to give the picked-on SWK’s a break.  All you skinny men, do not resist. The fashion industry is throwing you dweebs a bone! For a brief season, it is cool to be a wimpy male. Rippling muscles are so 2009, don’t you know? Elitist vintage clothes make you look superior, so roll with it. If it soothes you, ease into the style by actually shopping at a thrift store, rather than an Urban Outfitters or American Apparel. But do it soon. As with most fads, Hipster glory will be fleeting. I suggest you enjoy your moment in the sun while Jef enjoys his (hopefully more than) fifteen minutes of fame.
So you, SWK, ask yourself the following questions:
  • Do you gangle?
  • Do the sleeves of your t-shirt poke up because you have no muscle to grab the fabric?
  • Do you have limited athletic ability?
  • Is there a thrift store near by?

Then don’t resist the Cardigan. 

Grab a pair of Toms, coif up your hair, and get a one-speed bike because the time is now, for a limited time only (before the jocks start to beat you up again), to embrace your outward “cool.”

Skinny. White. Cool. 

The All Important Subject: Hair

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I blame my Aunt Beth for this particular genetic blight. I apologize, Beth, if I embellish on your story in anyway, but this story is begging to be told, so it’s best done with a bit of color anyway.
           I believe it started with a trip to Europe, a country which is not as reputably meticulous in their grooming standards as us body-wash-loving Americans. Perhaps, as an effort to embrace European culture, while still retaining her American eccentricity, my aunt Beth decided to divide her body down the middle, using her nose as the Prime Meridian. For one year, she proceeded to groom one half of her body as any body-wash-loving American should; she brushed, shaved, showered, perfumed, make-upped, etc.
The other half—she didn’t. She just… didn’t. Didn’t brush, shave, shower, perfume, or make up in any way shape or form. She was half beautiful, half banshee.
One generation later, and the right side of my hair has decided to avenge to family “half side of the hair neglect.” Essentially this means: the right side of my hair never looks as good as the left side of my hair. When I do my hair curly, the right side lays lank. When I do my hair straight, inevitably some natural wave sneaks into the right side, throwing my whole pin straight look totally off. My pony tails even look bumpier on the right side of my head! No matter how much primping, no matter how much toiling, the right side of my head is always belligerent. 
This is why I have decided to take matters into my own hands. I will personally eliminate all hair unawesomeness by adding FEATHERS to the right side of my hair. 
Like this:
Glasses may or may not be included.
What do you think?! I’m so excited.