I blame my Aunt Beth for this particular genetic blight. I apologize, Beth, if I embellish on your story in anyway, but this story is begging to be told, so it’s best done with a bit of color anyway.

           I believe it started with a trip to Europe, a country which is not as reputably meticulous in their grooming standards as us body-wash-loving Americans. Perhaps, as an effort to embrace European culture, while still retaining her American eccentricity, my aunt Beth decided to divide her body down the middle, using her nose as the Prime Meridian. For one year, she proceeded to groom one half of her body as any body-wash-loving American should; she brushed, shaved, showered, perfumed, make-upped, etc.

The other half—she didn’t. She just… didn’t. Didn’t brush, shave, shower, perfume, or make up in any way shape or form. She was half beautiful, half banshee.

One generation later, and the right side of my hair has decided to avenge to family “half side of the hair neglect.” Essentially this means: the right side of my hair never looks as good as the left side of my hair. When I do my hair curly, the right side lays lank. When I do my hair straight, inevitably some natural wave sneaks into the right side, throwing my whole pin straight look totally off. My pony tails even look bumpier on the right side of my head! No matter how much primping, no matter how much toiling, the right side of my head is always belligerent. 

This is why I have decided to take matters into my own hands. I will personally eliminate all hair unawesomeness by adding FEATHERS to the right side of my hair. 

Like this:

Glasses may or may not be included.

What do you think?! I’m so excited.