I want glasses. I want hipster glasses. I’ve even found a few in stores, but the makers are always presumptuous enough to put some sort of magnification in the little lenses to ensure that glasses can only go to elitists with real vision problems.

In like… second grade I told my mom I was seeing fuzzy so she took me to the optometrist. I’m pretty sure what happened is that I hyperbolized a floater in my eye so heavily and so convincingly that she, with her motherly concern and care, thought that I might genuinely be seeing “double” as I told her.

I am sure I gave the optometrist a run for his money. I had no idea what to tell him as he flipped through his little magnification spinny dial scary thing. So when he kept asking, “Do you see better now?… How bout now?” I just kept answering, “No,” trying to convince everyone present that I desperately needed glasses. He gave me the best prescription that he could, but then, as a form of hateful retribution, dilated my eyeballs when it came time to pick my frames! So I genuinely couldn’t see as I tried to find frames that suited my personality.

I ended up with ugly brown pair of reading glasses that gave me a headache whenever I read.
…I wore them for a week before “losing” them.

I just don’t look bookish enough without them. How will my high school students take me seriously if I don’t have teacher glasses?! Do I really expect to publish a novel without glasses? You can call me vain. It really won’t matter to me if you think I’m vain about this issue as long as I had a black set of frames perched so happily across my nose with absolutely zero magnification whatsoever.

I’ve never owned glasses! This picture is not real! This image was created by this site that lets you digitally try on your glasses. So cool. Now I know.