Today, I felt the sunshine for the first time this year–really felt it. I let myself get sticky in the sun rather than running for shelter, seeking respite from the heat in a shaded, air-conditioned room. I let myself believe I had time for a run along the Hudson, and I let myself feel the weight of the pavement against my shoes. I let myself believe I could be a person. It felt foreign, but it also felt good.
Sometimes I shuffle facets of my identity, so before Person, I am Teacher. I am intensely focused. This becomes problematic when I become teacher before wife, teacher before sister, teacher before friend. I worship at the alter of being a teacher, I pay it alms, I surrender pieces of my sanity because I feel compelled to teach.

I got lost in it this year. More so than usual. So when I came home, when I “clocked out,” when I hung my hat, I couldn’t actually resume personhood–I was just a zombie. I traded my personhood for video games, for binge watching tv, for infinite scroll.I got pretty tired of myself this year. I missed personal me. So for the first time in nine months of missing my personhood, I’m sitting on a bench, watching the sun go down, feeling organically guilt free, home grown, sun shone.

Today I felt like an actual person again, soaking in neglected parts of my soul with the sun.