This was me on my first day of teaching High School. Spare the jokes please. I know I look like I should be a high school student myself.

I look at this picture and want to smack that naive grin off my excited little face.

Full Disclosure: Two months ago, I almost quit my job. The first month was such exquisite hell–students testing me at every turn, students forcing me to make a thousand decisions a minute, students requiring constant nagging, and heavens–oh heavens!–the whining. Students Students Students!

I would yank myself home feeling like I was pulling myself out of a pit where I had just battled the Balrog. My students seemed to morph together into one giant monster of hellfire–and sometimes I felt like the loser of the battle. I would go home, filleted and charred, and all I could do was cuddle Jeremy and hold Hufflepuff and then stare catatonic at the Parks and Recreation while waiting for relief.

…And then the next day would start.

And then I learned names. And I saw smidgeons of backstories. And I saw impressive strengths and crippling vulnerabilities. My students became a little less faceless, a little less composite, a little more individual.

And I learned too.

“No Steven*, you may not use the bathroom. Why? Because it’s the eleventh time this week, and your pocket just lit up, so I assume you just want to send a text.”

“Yes Breanne*, I am so sorry to hear about your sister’s miscarriage. Take an extension, turn it in on Monday.”

“Katie* this is not your best work. You and I both know you can do better.”

“Fantastic work, Rogelio.* What progress you’ve made.”

I used to think that a good teacher could get each and every student up in their seats, riveted, learning, scoring well on their tests, and laughing along the way. I used to turn up my nose when teachers moaned about their students not turning in homework assignments. I would be a good teacher. My students would turn things in. My students will LOVE English.

When these things didn’t immediately pan out the way I hoped, I internalized appropriately, mathematically.