Whether they will admit it to you or not, every girl has them… Hello Kitty’s… Day of the Week… Superman. That one pair of panties that you are not quite certain how they ended up in your unmentionable collection, but at least certain that they did. You know, the pairs like this:

Or this…

Or even this…

Pairs that you only, only, ONLY wear the day before laundry day. Pairs that you not only tuck into your drawer, but you actually roll them up in a pair of socks in case of snoops. Pairs that you only crack out on your absolutely 100 percent desperate for laundry days.

Well, my friends, today was desperation day. And I was getting away with it perfectly well.

My close friends know that recently over Christmas break I got rather ill, which caused me to lose a considerable amount of weight. Consequently, some of the pants that used to snuggle with my hips in such a friendly way, now sag sallow and billowy from hip to ankle. All evening long at Tucanos I was waging war against my work pants, which have less cling and elasticity than even my jeans. I did the “jump pull” where you yank them up high by jumping when you think no one is looking. I did the wiggle them ups. Nothing was working. Gravity’s constant tug kept sliding those pants right off my hips. Finally, I crammed my server uniform into my pants, crinkling it up and hoping the bulkiness of my shirt would compromise for my lack of feminine curves. And miraculously, this did the trick. For several hours.

Until finally a fellow server issued a public service announcement into my ear. “Sierra,” she whispered frantically while I was in the middle of greeting a guest. “My table wanted me to tell you that your underwear is very cute… and pink.”

In horror, my left arm flipped around to the back of my pants. Indeed, with all the tucking and adjusting going on, somehow my desperation panties had ended up far above waistline and were actually what was holding my pants into place—very, very publicly and for a very, very long time. I had TUCKED my server uniform INTO my underwear.

Moral of the story, kids: Always do your laundry. And don’t look up “wedgie” on google images. You will get some unflattering results.