My parents placed bets on how long it would take me to implode out here–jobless and routineless– in Chicago. Annoyingly enough, they understand that I am happiest when I am stressing myself out by scheduling every minute of my day. I only expect my fellow red-types to understand, but “down time” (unless penciled in) is damaging to my core. It feels like time wasted, time fettered, precious time squandered and irretrievable. After two weeks of scheduled (glorious, much needed) vacation, I must admit, I am ready to get back to the routine.
My real problem here is that there is no routine, and that I am extrinsically motivated, but trying to pretend that I am intrinsically motivated. I love listing out my goals, all noble and impressive, and I certainly pretend to myself that I can accomplish all 437 of them in a month. But unless there is a tangible reward at the end of the yellow-brick road to self-perfection, I realize now that I usually don’t follow through.
Things that Actually Motivate Me:
Pay Checks
Deadlines
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GPA
Words of Affirmation
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Awards, Accolades, Resume Builders
Applause
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Comments on my Blog
Good Tasting Food as a result of my efforts in the kitchen.
Improved relationships with friends and family
Pretty Things that Serve a Purpose
I realize that what I like about these things is that they are immediate, or at least, foreseeable. I think this all ties back to my severe lack of patience. I can’t patiently wait for accolades; I need them to come like clockwork. I feel so shallow about this! The joy in the journey is lost somehow.
Jeremy is the exact opposite of me, and it’s frustrating and admirable. The kid can spend hours, days, years LEARNING a new and important skill just because. His self worth has nothing to do with his GPA or his paycheck. I love that about him, but I am realizing that I am not this way. I wish I were this way.
So while the summer is young, I realize that I am at a crossroad. I can either perpetuate my extrinsic needs by imposing deadlines, checkpoints, and rewards for my summer goals OR I can attempt to reinvent—find joy in the journey rather than the accomplishment. Oh boy, that sounds so hard.
… Maybe I should get a trophy if I reach that point.
PS: Stay tuned, I think this blog is about to see some exciting changes.
Maybe it's just that you've been propelled by these things for so long, it feels a little unfamiliar to you to have them missing. I have to say, motherhood is definitely intrinsically motivated–and involves a LOT OF PATIENCE! It's a journey that you never really ever reach an ending destination–something I have found a tad frustrating over the years. I mean, really, can't the clean mopped floor just stay that way?
So, this is something you've just discovered about yourself???? I've known this since your two-year-old self said wistfully: "I want people to clap at me."
I'm thinking I'm going to need to start copying whole sections of your blog posts and pasting them as my own! You did a fantastic job of describing it-I also have the hardest time when I'm not busy, and I have this horrible dependency on other people telling me I'm awesome in exactly all those ways you mentioned. The year after I graduated college, and before I started my big girl job, was pretty rough cuz I had way more free time and zero motivation at Tucanos. And also a whole lot of 'no's from job interviews. But it's also something I'm trying to work on, because it would feel much better to not have to wait for someone to tell me how great I am! (Sean does his best, but why is it harder to believe husbands sometimes? Or is that just me..?) Anyway, best of luck to you, I'm sure you'll find lots of worthwhile causes to take up your time! There's always Draw Something.. 🙂
Yaaay Sierra! It's true what Fawn says about motherhood, so maybe I'm a bit further along in the process than you currently are, but sheesh, I sure feel your pain!