It’s no secret. I have a love/hate relationship with The Bachelor. This is my fifth season now, and it’s “finally” starting to sink in that there’s something rather…scripted about this version of “reality.” I now present to you my satiric script of another exciting season of The Bachelor.
VOICE OVER: Welcome to another exciting season of The Bachelor. I’m your host, Chris Harrison (READ: Sleeze bucket of the universe, profit off your tears, Captain Obvious, Mister Ingenuine, Botox Advocate and Recipient). This season promises to be one of the most exciting/dramatic/romantic (read: undescript, unmeasurable adjective) seasons of the Bachelor/ette yet.
ENTER THE BACHELOR/ETTE: Share your sob story with America. Flashback to the final rose ceremony last season. “I got my heart broken last season, I really did. But I believe in this process, and I know it can work. I really do believe my future wife/husband will be in the room tonight.” Find a way to work in an unnecessary swimsuit shot of the Bachelor/ette during the opening credits, so America can see the prize to be won.
ENTER THE WO/MEN:
“Hello I’m [beautiful, shallow, rich, boring. I will probably make it to a two-on-one date where you will realize that “we just didn’t have the connection you were hoping for.” I will make it to episode four].”
“Hey. (giggles) How are you? It’s so good to finally meet you. I’m [nice, normal, good-looking and down-to-earth. All my attractive, smart, funny qualities will be edited out and replaced with all of our boring conversations about past relationships]. I can’t wait to talk to you tonight.”
(Comes in with a cringe worthy prop or costume and explains how it relates to some ridiculous metaphor for love. READ: Makes fool of self. Will forever be branded as: Guy with the egg, girl who tried to do a back handspring and flopped over instead/ guy with the slipper/girl with tie in her bra and a 50 Shades of Grey fetish/ guy in the grandma costume. Leaves a cringe-worthy impression. Either exits on the first night, or is given a rose to keep viewers intrigued.)
LATER THAT EVENING: Men appear to bond. At least one woman ends up crying in a bathroom.Usually two drunk people go home.
CUT TO THE ROSE CEREMONY: All the slightly non beautiful people go home. We see the EXACT SAME PROMO as the beginning of the episode.
…And for some reason…we come back for more. Because the episode where every single girl admits that she is “falling in love with you” is somehow thrilling every time.