This post has been sitting at the bottom of my brain basin for a long time, waiting to surface at the right moment. I actually wrote the majority of this post before the Mormon Facebook Apocalypse of 2015. Still, I’ve held onto this post. I think the time is finally right, as I confront the painful, vulnerable fact that I’ve been spiritually wounded. This is a loaded admission, one that opens up your soul to further misunderstanding, judgment, and (perhaps most terrifyingly and only in a few extreme cases) ire.

When I lived in Utah, I often found myself and my real opinions, my moments of weakness, and my expressions of faithful doubt, white washed with faithful and urgent conviction from other members. I understood, certainly. I even empathized to some degree. I remember the feelings of sadness whenever a friend left the church. But I realized that what made me sad was not a deep seated worry for their soul, but more selfishly, deep seated worry for mine. What did someone else’s loss of faith mean for me? What now must I confront?

This felt different when I started experiencing my own (terrifying, involuntary, kicking and screaming) spiritual quandary. Though I can’t characterize it as a loss of faith wholesale, I was on the other side of the hurdle. Every church meeting, what I thought was an honest search, was met with critics explaining that my spiritual hurdle wasn’t real, that with a little more faith, I’d overcome. I’d see.

It’s beyond hard, for the afore mentioned reasons, to admit that your faith fluctuates. What’s hardest about it is the soul-crushing fear that the honest and desperate desires of your heart will be misread, miscategorized, or mistreated. Deep down, our innate need to be understood is still alive and well within us, well after adolescence. I want you to get me. I want you to get me, and not the veneer of me that I project for the sake of self preservation.
I think it’s finally time for me to address this issue for myself and for others, because I find to great delight that many of my spiritual wounds are finally beginning to heal. But that, by no means, suggests that I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be in a place of hurt. (Note: I wrote this last week. This is a new week. There are fresh wounds.).

I’ve been thinking long and hard about what I wish people had known how to say to me. It’s such a touchy subject, especially when you’re a genuinely faithful person to reach out to someone in a different place. So, for the benefit both of those who have genuine desires to help, aid, and uplift, and for those who are struggling (whom, I perhaps naively become a spokesperson), here are some tips for talking with (not “talking to”) the spiritually wounded soul.

How to Talk to the Spiritually Wounded Soul

1. Realize that being spiritually wounded is not an active choice (and the rhetoric you employ about it being a choice can be harmful to many of us trying and failing at choosing to feel otherwise). People with spiritual wounds are not choosing to be offended. This is not the parable of the Cream Strippings. Surely, the deeper wounds become, the easier it can be to become defensive and angry quicker, but for many of us, spiritual wounds happen in a time when we least expect them. My faith was never stronger when the catalyst for my spiritual pain began. I don’t mind telling you that it was the first time I went to the temple. In a place where I was expecting spiritual enlightenment and progression, I came away feeling raw and confused. I didn’t choose to feel that way. I’ve spent years railing against that feeling. But it was there, and no amount of choosing not to feel hurt could change the hurt that was there.

2. Resist the urge to bear your testimony at him/her. Listen to theirs instead. It may not begin with “I’d like to bear my testimony and I know this church is true.” Instead it will leak out of them through teary expressions of guilt, and desperate desires to stay. It might lack the formal expressions heard over the pulpit, and it might only contain the word “know” when preceded by the words “I” and “don’t.” But their testimony, even if it’s a tiny minnow of testimony is still in there somewhere, otherwise they likely would not fight so hard to stay.

I firmly believe that most of my friends back home were well-intentioned as they shared their testimonies with me. It is what we have been counseled to do, and it’s what we’ve practiced since we were children. But as well-intentioned as these proclamations of faith (and knowledge) may seem to you, they can feel overwhelming to a spiritual struggler who desperately wants (and can’t, for a myriad of reasons) to feel the same things you do. Listen instead of proselyte. Converse instead of testify.

3. Don’t engage in spiritual warfare. This might require you to be the bigger person. If you feel your precious beliefs attacked and belittled, resist the urge to fight back. I’ve learned that the spirit flees when inside a defensive body. The spiritually wounded soul in front of you might say things that are hurtful, unkind, or, in your opinion, wrong. Turn the other cheek. Instead of retorting with vitriol and a self-aggrandized determination that you are doing what’s right, search every part of your own soul for empathy. Understand the painful steps that person went through to get where they are, and try to recognize—they’re tender, they’re aching, they’re searching for their balm of Gilead. They’re not trying to cause you pain back, even if that’s the unintended outcome. But since your cup of faith runneth over, know in your heart what you know and never sling it at them like a weapon. This applies TEN FOLD on social media, where it is way easier to A) let your emotions get out of control (from both sides) B) believe there are no earthly consequences for the things you say on a keyboard. The way we converse with each other is being watched and evaluated. Remember that first and foremost, we are Christ’s ambassadors for kindness. I promise the conversation will have a better outcome if you can limit your defensiveness and search for ways to be kind. Be the Balm of Gilead that person needs.

4. Express Love, Then Do It Again. And Again. 10 more times. Repeat. One of the worst struggles a spiritually wounded person goes through is wondering if the love their LDS friends and family members feel for them is predicated in a rock solid belief in the exact same things. Of course for many this is just an irrational fear and for some, sadly, it isn’t. Eliminate this fear! Find as many meaningful ways to express love as you possibly can. Remember that saying “I love you, but…” is not an effective way to say I love you.

I worry that many well-intentioned parents and friends use their love as a condition as a way of steering the spiritually wounded soul back into the church. Don’t. It causes shame and marginalization. Love freely and listen. Nothing could be more effective than a profusion of love.

I love you, brothers and sisters. As I say that, I can’t help but think about the reasons Latter-day Saints use those titles. Mostly it has become standard greeting. But I think the intent was to foster the family community—that all under God’s plan are brother and sister to one another. That doesn’t mean that our relationships are tension-free. But it means ultimately that we’ve made a greater commitment to love one another.

These are difficult times with floods of emotion. Let’s reach out to each other with compassion. Let’s genuinely invite the spirit into our conversations with those who are grappling for it (myself included). This is me, reaching out to my spiritual brothers and sisters—both those who are hurting and those who are hoping to help.

This is me reaching out and saying “Be my balm in Gilead, and I shall try to be yours.”

  1. Nov 07, 2015
    Fawn

    Beautifully and wonderfully said Sierra!

    Reply
    • Nov 08, 2015
      Sierra

      That means so much to me Fawn. Thank you for reading.

      Reply
    • Nov 08, 2015
      Jonathan

      While I was a missionary there was a time when I was teaching a certain lady. I don’t remember the situation fully (as it was 15 years ago), but I recall that her situation and development of testimony was complicated by the influence of either family or former-significant-other that wasn’t happy with the Church or religion in general. While trying to be bold one day I remember feeling a distinct impression (which had to have come from on heaven because I still remember the phrase) that I should “never harm anyone more than you have the power to heal them.” Especially where testimonies are involved, if you are not at a place where the person that might be harmed will talk to you and listen to what you might say to try and heal them based on what you say… be careful what you say or say nothing at all. Don’t judge and assume that their current feelings and doubts destine that for apostasy and hell. Everyone has bad days and feelings of all sorts developed from living in a harsh and confusing world. Listen and be empathetic. For the love, we are not the judge… and thank God for that.

      Reply
  2. Nov 07, 2015
    Jill

    Sierra this is absolutely lovely. I think many of us go through times (and times and times) of being spiritually wounded and it is so nice to know that you aren’t the only one and that it is ok to feel like that sometimes and that it doesn’t mean that it is the end for you. Faith really is sure an up and down journey. Lovely, just lovely.

    Reply
    • Nov 08, 2015
      Sierra

      Jill,
      Thank you for reading and commenting. This is the kind of dialogue that is so helpful for someone struggling–just knowing I am not alone, but that there are people still fighting the good fight, is encouraging in so many ways.

      Reply
  3. Nov 07, 2015
    Molly Freestone

    I love you. This is beautiful.

    Reply
    • Nov 08, 2015
      Sierra

      Molly, I love you too. You are ten kinds of cool. Thanks for reading.

      Reply
  4. Nov 08, 2015
    B.

    I stumbled upon this from a friend who has felt the pain. I appreciate that you are an advocate for loving, just as our Savior asked us to. Thank you for this heartfelt voice of understanding in a sea of extremes that have flooded our digital world as of late.

    Reply
    • Nov 08, 2015
      Sierra

      Thank you B, for your kind words of encouragement and love.

      Reply
  5. Nov 08, 2015
    T.

    Fabulous. It’s so easy to forget that time is on our side and it ain’t over till it’s over. We don’t have to have great angst when a loved one doubts. We don’t have to feel inferior when we struggle. Really, if you haven’t been there, you will be … and i dare say you even should! When you struggle and overcome, that’s when you really know.

    Reply
    • Nov 08, 2015
      Sierra

      Encouraging words T, thank you. I think struggle is such a fundamental part of existence, I’m so relieved when we can embrace it.

      Reply
  6. Nov 08, 2015
    J

    Thank you for beautifully putting to words something I could not explain to others without sounding jaded and bitter.

    Reply
    • Nov 08, 2015
      Sierra

      It took a few years for some of the bitterness to wear off 😉 Thanks for reading.

      Reply
  7. Nov 10, 2015
    Brent F.

    That…….was……..awesome.

    Reply
  8. Nov 10, 2015
    Brittany Austin

    Sierra! I somehow stumbled across this and was so happy to see your face. This is so good, and so needed. Somehow, spiritual hurt is so much more painful that spiritual shame or guilt or doubt. It’s deep and raw. (And I keep discovering that more of us are walking around with these wounds than I ever assumed.) The best of balm, for me, comes from validation and understanding and solidarity. Lots of that here–so thanks. Hope you’re doing well!

    Reply
  9. Nov 13, 2015
    Andrea

    Deeply personal. Thanks for writing Sierra

    Reply
  10. Dec 06, 2015
    Melissa

    I love you so much. I just read this and I can feel every word you wrote. You are beautiful inside and out.

    Reply
  11. Feb 04, 2016
    L

    This is beautiful. I stopped participating in the LDS church about 8 months ago after a long, agonizing, and frustrating journey. I have not been able to share my struggle with really any believers other than my husband (who still attends and sometimes brings our young children). I have had 1 friend (1! out of all of them) say to me “no matter what you believe, I am still your friend” and largely I have been shunned.

    Anyway, its ok, life goes on and it gets better. But this is such a beautiful thing to read especially when you are still partially in the angry phase of feeling betrayed and unloved.

    Reply
  12. Apr 19, 2016
    Bri

    Dear Penrod,
    Thank you so much for once again teaching me something that I will hold onto hopefully for quite a long time. I am preparing to serve a mission and I could not be more excited and yet I am so very terrified. Thank you for not only expressing your feelings, but also guiding those of us who try to help in what ways we can. I cannot wait to use your advice for not only those I am teaching, but also for myself. Thank you. You truly are an inspiration and I thank you for all that you have taught me, both in a classroom setting and on a deeper level.

    Reply